HELP – with apologies to the Beatles

This was left as a comment, but thought it warranted it’s own post. Courtesy of commenter Smoking Loon…

Help, we need some pitchers
Help, not just any pitchers
Help, you know we need some pitchers, help.

When it was spring and we were pegged for number one
We used to dream a thousand runs would get it done
But now those days are gone; the pitching’s been exposed
Starting is low-quality; the bullpen’s getting hosed

Help us if you can, we’re in fourth place
And we’ve been eliminated from the race
Help us, now we’ve fallen on our face
Won’t you please, please help us?

As soon as April changes came so many ways
Consistent hitting seemed to vanish in the haze
The lack of defense made the pitchers insecure
And by July the ‘pen was fried, and Farnsworth weren’t the cure

Help us if you can, we’re way behind
And bad contracts really have us in a bind
Help us be contenders in oh-nine
Won’t you please, please help us?

Well, now we cannot blame the fat guy at first base
He’s been a real bright spot in a season of disgrace
And Granderson, Armando, Maggs have had the touch
The pitching, though, it really blows, and Sheffield just as much

Help us if you can, we’re getting old
And a few trades back our prospects were all sold
Help us turn this leaden team to gold
Won’t you please, please help us?
Help us, help us, ooh

29 Comments

  1. jason

    September 17, 2008 at 9:18 am

    Nice. More entertaining than the actual team!

  2. Smoking Loon

    September 17, 2008 at 9:47 am

    Thanks for the shoutout, Billfer. I’d just like to ask one small favor. Could you please change

    We used to dream a thousand runs would get it done

    to

    We used to dream of how a thousand runs would get it done

    and

    The pitching, though, it really blows, and Sheffield just as much

    to

    Pitching, though, it really blows, and Sheffield just as much

    No big deal, as it’s just silliness, but a good song parody is a perfect match for the original in syllables per line and where the accents fall, and I goofed up the first draft, as I usually do.

    “More entertaining than the actual team!”

    Thanks, Jason. The Detroit Tigers Weblog has been more entertaining than the team in 2008. Not living in Detroit or even Michigan, and with no Tigers fans among my friends, I couldn’t have sustained much interest in the Tigers this season without it.

  3. Dave BW

    September 17, 2008 at 9:53 am

    You captured the mood perfectly, Sean… probably better than you even intended :)

  4. Smoking Loon

    September 17, 2008 at 11:04 am

    “You captured the mood perfectly”

    With the post or the song? *smiley guy*

    I swear I’m not computer-illiterate, but I have yet to figure out how to put emoticons in my posts here. Here, I’ll try this: :)

    Amanda is, like, the Marcus Thames of emoticons. I’m Ramon Santiago.

    EDIT: Hey, it worked! Nothing can stop me now.

  5. Dave in New Have(n)

    September 17, 2008 at 11:06 am

    Yes, from Despair comes Great Art. That made my day.

  6. Blake

    September 17, 2008 at 11:18 am

    Haha. Well done. That was fun.

  7. Smoking Loon

    September 17, 2008 at 11:47 am

    I followed the link to Fire and Rain from last year. Not bad! I was lurking here from time to time in 2007, but I guess I must have missed that.

    It was very interesting to go back in time to the mood of Tigers fans then, August 24 of 2007. Such alarm, near despair, and only 2.5 games out! But the alarm was justified, of course. Even without hindsight.

  8. Smoking Loon

    September 17, 2008 at 12:20 pm

    Ramon Santiago has come down to earth with more AB, surprising no one. He’s on an 0-18 slide, .095/.269/.095/.364 since August 30. I put a lot of stock in when guys keep it up when the team is going down (Guillen earlier comes to mind) and how guys who “never get a chance” do when they get their chance. So I’m disappointed.

    There is something to be said for that OBP next to a .095 BA, however. 5 BB, 5 runs scored, even a stolen base. Santiago has, in fact, failed to reach base in only 3 of 31 games started.

  9. Dave BW

    September 17, 2008 at 12:38 pm

    Wow, have to love that slugging number

  10. Smoking Loon

    September 17, 2008 at 12:42 pm

    Yes, Ramon’s been whackin’ em. It’s always fun when BA = SLG.

    When I did that “0-19 Tigers” analysis earlier this season, looking at individual performances during the long losing streaks to that date, I distinctly remember Renteria’s .155/.155 BA/SLG.

  11. Chris in Dallas

    September 17, 2008 at 12:47 pm

    You know, I actually bought a bottle of Smoking Loon pinot noir over the weekend in your honor, Sean. The Tigers creep into my subconcious in odd ways.

  12. Smoking Loon

    September 17, 2008 at 12:47 pm

    Maybe it was “0-21 Tigers,” I can’t remember. Yeah. It was. The winning streaks made the “19-0 Tigers.”

  13. Smoking Loon

    September 17, 2008 at 12:55 pm

    The pinot noir may be the one I’ve actually tried, Chris. Can’t remember, gave my girlfriend the bottle back.

    I really should be getting some kind of product placement fee here, now that I think about it.

  14. Smoking Loon

    September 17, 2008 at 1:16 pm

    I like to take that Pee No N’war wine with me on long car trips so I don’t have to make any stops.

  15. ron

    September 17, 2008 at 1:33 pm

    SL, You penned “Help” on a napkin between your first cup of coffee and your last bite of your Grand Slam breakfast, didn’t you?

  16. ron

    September 17, 2008 at 1:39 pm

    I never heard of Smoking Loon before you. Back in my drinking days, I would have chosen the Merlot to have with my Dinty Moore Beef Stew.

  17. Chris in Dallas

    September 17, 2008 at 1:56 pm

    Here in Texas, it’s pie-knot nor. Rednecks.

  18. Smoking Loon

    September 17, 2008 at 2:03 pm

    Mmmm, Dinty Moore Beef Stew. Not very good straight out of the can, though. That counts against it, in my book.

    “between your first cup of coffee and your last bite of your Grand Slam breakfast”

    Almost correct. Kyle the Cook winked at me and motioned me over to the swinging doors to the kitchen. Intrigued, I followed him back to the compactor room and took the flask he offered me. Nasty stuff. But when I got back to my table, it was as though the light of inspiration suddenly shone down from the heavens. I saw the words to HELP on gleaming stone tablets, in my mind’s eye, and tearing the paper from one of my still burning cigarettes, transcribed them as quickly as I could.

  19. Smoking Loon

    September 17, 2008 at 2:07 pm

    Well, those French are a bunch of long-har’d hippie fa***ts, anyway, if you ask me.

    Just kidding, there, Andre. And anyone else French. I defended them once here. Look it up!

  20. Smoking Loon

    September 17, 2008 at 2:52 pm

    For my own obscure reasons, I’ve wanted to look at how Tigers starters have done “most typically” and to compare that to their aggregate stats. One way of doing this is to lop off 1/3 of the best and 1/3 of the worst starts and look at what’s left.

    Typical 2008 Verlander 3-6 W-L, 4.59 ERA, 1.36 WHIP, K:BB/9 = 6.4/3.8, HR/9 = 0.90

    Aggregate 2008 Verlander 10-16 W-L, 4.78 ERA, 1.38 WHIP, K:BB/9 = 7.1/3.7, HR/9 = 0.84

    I don’t know what that proves, but it was fun.

    Utilizing the GmSc (Game Score) for starts at bb-ref, one might draw the conclusion that the quintessential 2008 Verlander start was May 3 at Minnesota. He took the loss in a 4-1 defeat, going 7, allowing 4 ER (half the damage in the bottom of the 7th with a walk and then a Monroe HR), striking out 5 and walking 2. 117 pitches, 76 for strikes, 22 balls in play and of those 4 line drives, only 1 doing damage (line drive RBI single).

    Verlander hasn’t been terrible. He’s just been 2006 Nate Robertson when the team needed him to be 2007 Justin Verlander.

  21. Dave BW

    September 17, 2008 at 3:16 pm

    Sounds more like 2007 Nate Robertson than 2006

  22. Smoking Loon

    September 17, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    Really? OK, I’ll buy that. But you know what I mean. He’s been decent often enough to have a better record.

  23. ron

    September 18, 2008 at 1:32 am

    Yeh, yeh, yeh, Verlander this, Nate that. That is so passe (fr.). When is that eye in the middle of your mind going to crank out another tune. Your fans are waiting.

  24. ron

    September 18, 2008 at 9:18 am

    Smoking Loon, that whole scenario with Kyle the Cook was lifted from an old French movie made in the silent era. I believe the title was “Les Drunkards” about two has beens from a small town outside Paris who decide to resurrect their career as street musicians by changing the words of well known melodies and trying to pass them off as their own. First of all, I think a man of your stature would never eat at Denny’s and secondly, as much as you batter the French, I believe you are a secret French cinephile.

  25. ron

    September 18, 2008 at 9:45 am

    By the way, the batter Dennys uses on their French toast is marvelous.

  26. Dave BW

    September 18, 2008 at 10:44 am

    Dennys makes a fine chicken finger platter

  27. ron

    September 18, 2008 at 10:54 am

    Dave BW, I think Smoking Loon can do something with “chicken finger platter, does it really matter”…yeh, SL and Kyle the Cook can take it from there.

  28. ron

    September 18, 2008 at 10:57 am

    If Coleman can quit stuffing his face with ham sandwiches, he could tune up that geetar of his and maybe help us out here.

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